The Daily Nusz

A few weeks ago, around Mother’s Day, I offered the Top 5 “Sayings from Mom” that I recalled from my childhood.  I figure I should offer the same on behalf of my Dad.  These are the sayings most remembered:

1.  I’ll really give you something to cry about. (This was said in a threatening tone in response to all whining/crying.  Um, Dad?  You never really gave us something to cry about.)

2.  Let me just have one bite. (This was said as he was grabbing our sandwich/candy bar/ice cone out of our hand.  After this assault, there was usually only about 3% of the food item left.) 

3.  Ask your mother. (This was utter deflection.  Usually, a similiar conversation ensued:

               Us:   ”Mom, can we go have an ice cream cone?”

               Mom:  “What did Dad say?”

               Us:  “He said yes.” 

               Mom:  “Ron?  Did you say they could have an ice cream cone?”

               Dad:  “No, I told them they had to ask you.”

               Mom:  “So he didn’t say yes.”

               Us:  “No, but we think he wants one too.”

               Dad:  “No, I’ll just have one bite.”

4.  Don’t be a beanhead.  (Usually stated when we did something stupid, like jumped off the bunkbeds, poked a bees nest, asked for money, or when one of my brothers zipped up their pants on a crucial body part after using the bathroom)

5.  Punch him back. (This was said to me when I complained of my brothers’ tendency to beat on me. Surprisingly, it was very good advice.)

Happy Father’s Day, Dad.

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 6.  Don’t tell your mother.  (This was said usually when he was pulled over for speeding but didn’t actually receive a ticket, when he picked up a hitchhiker (only happened a couple of times, probably because we told our mother) or when he let us do something dangerous (like play on some slippery rocks overlooking a river).

So, in light of the fact that Mother’s Day is coming up, I’ve been thinking of my mom.  I started thinking of phrases that I heard my mother say frequently while growing up.  Off of the top of my head, these are the ones that stand out.  My brothers may remember different ones.

1.  If it was a snake it would have bit ya (Also synonomous with “Are you blind?”.  This was usually said to my father, who has the male affliction of asking about the location of an item while staring directly at it.  I usually just screech “Are you blind???” to Kevin rather than saying the more tactful version.  Or even more rudely, I say, “I’m not telling you, cause it’s right in front of your face.)

2.  You’re driving me to drink. (I use this one a lot, usually muttered under my breath during one of Savannah’s tantrums.  It makes me feel better.)

3.  Were you raised in a barn?  (This goes hand-in-hand with “What would your mother think?”, which is said in public in order to immediately disown us when we did something embarrassing.  Case in point:  My youngest brother let out the most disgusting belch in a restaurant while we were on vacation.  People turned their heads.  My mother snapped, “What would your mother think?” and was absolved of all blame.  Brilliant.)

4.  It’s better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick. (Said in response to any complaint.  And really, how can you dispute that?)

5.  I hope you have a child just like you when you grow up (to be fair, she said this to my brother Nathan more than me.  He was a rascal.  I prefer to think that when she said it to me it was said in loving, admiring tones.)

Happy Mother’s Day, Mom.