Another Reason to Hate Boys
January 15, 2009 at 11:21 pm | In It's all about me, Random, The husband | 7 CommentsThere are a lot of reasons to hate boys. Well, to be more specific . . . men. They have hair in weird places, they don’t know how to compliment women, they often have mommy issues, they can’t find things that are right in front of their face, they drive too fast, they smell, they act like having a cold is akin to dying, they talk about bodily functions during dinner, they usually don’t like it when the wife makes more money than them, they leave facial hair in the sink, they take food off your plate, they leave armpit stains on their shirts, they leave weird things in their pockets and then it goes through the washing machine, they floss their teeth with gum wrappers in the car, they don’t understand that candles do, in fact, smell nice, they bring a new pen home from work every day resulting in a net gain of about 340 pens per year, they break perfectly functional objects in a quest to improve them, they don’t know how to hang pants on a hanger, they remember which waitress served us the last time we were at Applebees but can’t remember their mother’s birthday, they use every single pot and pan when cooking, they let the kids jump on the couch while holding an open container of crackers, they make fun of all the good shows on television, they don’t understand why women’s haircuts cost more than men’s, they laugh at inappropriate times, they don’t notice when the house is a mess, they lose their wedding bands, they never change the sheets, they wear old-man slippers, they think they know a lot about computers, they leave used tissues on the nightstand, they think kissing with food in their mouth is acceptable, they think their place of work will fall down if they take a sick day, they snore, they look funny wearing sandals, they don’t understand why some people cry when they are happy, they don’t notice when their kid calls their name 234 times during a car ride, they pee with the bathroom door open, they complain about how other people drive . . . phew. That was therapeutic.
Wait, I forgot the number one reason. THEY LOSE WEIGHT SO MUCH EASIER THAN WOMEN. We’ve been doing the South Beach Diet since the second week in December. PLUS, I’m part of a Biggest Losers Contest. Kevin has lost nearly 15 pounds, and everyone notices how good he looks. I’ve lost 11 pounds. Not one single person has noticed. Not even a “hmmm . . . is something different? Did you get your hair cut?”. I mean, we both had nearly identical BMIs (in fact, his was a little higher than mine) prior to trying to eat more healthfully. I’ve dropped 1 full pants size, and I’m nearly ready for the next smaller size. Plus, my face is thinner and my love handles are gone. While he’s doing great too, random people keep noticing his weight loss. I mean, COME ON.
Good thing Decky’s not a man yet. And he certainly hasn’t lost any weight. 
P.S. There’s a slight chance that this list of reasons to hate men might be specific to my particular husband.
Grateful
January 2, 2009 at 9:01 pm | In Day to Day, It's all about me | 3 CommentsOne of my friends recently posted a gratitude list on her blog. While her statements about things she’s grateful for were well-written and thoughtful; mine will probably be cursory and ill-conceived. But at the cusp of the new year, I thought I’d take a few minutes to reflect on the positive things in my life.
I’d like it to be noted that this list is not in any particular order.
1. My car. It always starts, it has a CD player, and the AC and heater work well.
2. My body. It’s healthy and strong, and has allowed me to grow two babies.
3. My Mommy Board. Seriously, I need to write more about these gals. They’re the best.
4. The fact that I’m literate. I love to read. I’d probably be insane if I didn’t have books to escape into. I feel that reading books makes me smarter.
5. Declan. He tries my patience, but he’s beautiful, has an infectious laugh, and he adores his family.
6. My house. I hope we live here for a long, long time. After living here for nearly 18 months, it’s just starting to appear more home-like. We actually have objects and pictures on the walls, we have some new furniture, and we’ve started to plan the landscaping.
7. My neighbors. They’re considerate, kind, and helpful. I look forward to exiting my house and getting a chance to say hello every day.
8. My looks. I know I’m not a supermodel or anything, but I’m really glad that I’m not 400 lbs, or disfigured, or have that disorder where you sweat so profusely that your clothes are soaked through in minutes.
9. My right to vote. I got to vote for Mr. Obama, and in a couple weeks, I will hopefully be in DC as he’s inaugurated.
10. My husband. He’s kind, handsome, and adores me and the kids. He’s smart, a great provider, and empties the dishwasher just because he knows I hate to do it. For Christmas he got me tickets to see Rent, the musical. How cool is that?
11. Savannah. Her assets speak for themselves. She’s cute and wonderful.
12. The internet. It keeps me entertained, in contact with my closest friends and family, and is a great source for information.
13. My peeps. Or, more specifically, my friends and family. I love knowing that there’s always someone to call if I need to chat or want some company.
14. Food. Especially of the frosting variety.
15. The lovely weather of the Carolinas. It’s sunny and happy-looking outside nearly all the time.
16. The fact that my kids sleep through the night. The beginning of 2008 was very . . . um, exhausting. Now, I’m pleased to say that both children sleep from 8pm until 7am very day.
17. My dissertation. It’s done and I have my degree. Finally.
18. My job. It’s half-time, so it’s the perfect combination of staying home with the kids and working in a professional environment.
19. My upbringing. I was raised in a nice house, with caring parents, and brothers who turned into good men. I was provided with the tools to be a self-sufficient, independent, and caring individual.
20. The water dispenser on the door of my refridgerator. It’s handy and the water tastes good.
Okay, that’s all I’ve got for now. I know there are tons more things for which to be thankful, but I just wanted to give the highlights. Yes, I’m a tease.
Peace out.
Why I’m Not Allowed to Read Scary Books. Or Watch Oprah. Or Watch Law and Order.
October 29, 2008 at 8:46 pm | In It's all about me | 1 CommentLast Tuesday, October 21, Kevin left to go out of town for several days. That night, obviously, I was home alone. I read for a while, turned on the house alarm before bed, and then turned off the bedroom light. Within a few minutes, the house alarm started beeping. It wasn’t actually going off, it was just beeping. I turn on the light, grab my cell phone off the bedside table (we have no land line), and call the number on the alarm keypad. The call doesn’t go through–it says “call failed” on the screen. Hmm. Try again. Call failed. Go downstairs and double check the number. Call failed. I try calling Kevin in San Francisco. Call failed. I realize that I can’t call anyone. The incessant beeping of the alarm is making me feel panicky.
Then I remember that when I got home from having dinner at my neighbors house, I had opened the garage door and noticed that the door between the garage and the house was wide open. It made me a little nervous, but then I remembered my garage door had been closed, and prior to leaving, I had quickly run back into the house to get something. I figured that I had not quite closed the door tightly enough, and the cat had pushed it open the remainder of the way.
Of course, now it’s 1:00 am, and my phone is dead, my alarm is beeping, my husband is out of town, and my kids are sleeping upstairs. Now that open door takes on a whole new significance. I consider my options. Do nothing. Um, no. I’d never sleep. Run over to the neighbors. Um, no. What if the killer is out there, and when I come out he gets me? Or even worse, he sneaks into the house while I’m gone and gets the kids? Or what if my neighbors won’t answer their doors? I mean, it IS 1:00 am, and my hair looks like Medusa’s.
So, I call 911. It was the only number my phone would call. They were very kind, and I was relieved that no words such as “hysterical female”, “waste of time” or ”big wimp” were murmured within my earshot. While I’m waiting impatiently for the police officer to come, I send out this email to a bunch of my internet mommy friends:
Kevin’s out of town. Set the alarm for the night. Read in bed, switch off light.
Shortly afterword, alarm beeps. Beep. Beep.
It doesn’t go off, it’s just beeping. “Trouble” light is on. Beep. Beep.
I try to call the alarm company with my cell phone. Call failed. Redial. Call failed. Over and over.
I remember that when I had arrived home at 7pm, I opened the garage door, and the door between garage and house was open. Thought I just left it open. Maybe someone in house? That was hours ago.
Get spooked. Try calling Kevin. Call failed. Remember the alarm is hooked to cell phone, since we do not have a land line. With apprehension, I turn off alarm. Call failed. Call failed.
Dial 911. Explain that I’m alone. Husband out of town. 2 kids.
Sending police.
I’m waiting.
They sent out a police officer, who, I’m sure, had a lower IQ than my cat. He stands around and scratches his head for awhile, then I gently suggest that he get his cell phone out of his car and let me call the alarm company. His face lit up at my suggestion, clearly relieved to have found a potential solution. I call the company, and they say that the alarm is beeping because there is something wrong with the cell phone tower, and since our alarm “goes through” the cell phone, the alarm is now not working. But why does the police officer’s phone work and mine doesn’t when we are both probably getting our signal from the same cell phone tower? The woman on the phone just keeps repeating that the alarm company is not at fault. So I hang up, hating to accept that I am not going to have a cell phone tonight.
I suggest that the police officier use his cell phone to call my cell phone. He does, and my phone miraculously rings. It seems to be working. I send him on his way, call Kevin to further test my phone, and sleep restlessly the remainder of the night. The alarm still doesn’t seem to be working.
The next morning, my friend Kelly calls, and I tell her what had happened. We chuckle over the fact that I got to be the crazy lady who calls the police in the middle of the night. Background: We have a crazy lady (that’s her name, seriously. Crazy Lady. If you say that, everyone knows who you’re talking about.) in our neighborhood on whom the police is constantly called. More about her later, cause she’s interesting. Then, over the last couple months, we’ve had one death, a domestic dispute, and a couple of other random police calls. I guess it was my turn to call the police. For about an hour on a Tuesday night, I got to be Crazy Lady.
Additional note: I sent out that cryptic email to friends that night, then forget to follow it up with a “I’m fine” email. I left the house for the day, turned off my phone because I was at a deposition, and my friends were like, “Tara? Are you okay?!” Ooops.
50 Tidbits
September 17, 2008 at 8:47 pm | In It's all about me | 7 CommentsMy friend Teri started a trend in her blog of writing a post called “tidbits”. In this post, she shared a list describing some facts about herself. Here’s my tidbits list . . .
1. I love to read.
2. I am entirely too preoccupied with my weight.
3. I am a mom to Savannah (3) and Declan (14mo).
4. I have three brothers–Ron, Nathan, and Kevin.
5. It drives me crazy when people are late for important things.
6. I am bossy.
7. I think people who don’t recycle are selfish.
8. I think reading celebrity gossip magazines is fun, particularly in the hair salon and on airplanes.
9. I wish I had a DVR.
10. I never, ever clip coupons, even though it would probably save me alot of money.
11. I can’t stand it when people complain about things they have the power to change. Seriously, it makes me furious.
12. I’m very tired of hearing about gas prices. Drive less or get a smaller car.
13. I’m not a fan of mushrooms.
14. Whenever I walk at night in the dark and I see a house with the windows lit up, I always say a little wish in my head that the people in that house are happy. I’ve done that as long as I can remember.
15. I’m addicted to chewing gum, particularly in the car.
I6. Diet Coke (with caffeine, preferably a fountain drink) is my favorite drink.
17. I would love to write a book someday.
18. I am an optimist.
19. I feel guilty whenever I think about how our poor cat never gets any attention.
20. I love creamy peanut butter.
21. I vote Democrat.
22. I envy people who feel 100% confident that there is a God.
23. I can never remember the punch lines to jokes.
24. I am a good speller.
25. I hate clutter.
26. I never take vitamins, even though I should.
27. I love the show “The New Adventures of Old Christine”.
28. I’m terrified of snakes.
29. I have no particular talents.
30. I miss my friend Amy.
31. I think frosting is a gift from heaven.
32. I am very tempted to write sarcastic and/or shocking things in this list, just to mess with people.
33. I am left-handed.
34. I really like my new job.
35. Sometimes I feel like giving up on finishing the revisions to my dissertation.
36. I don’t like the feeling of being tipsy.
37. I wish I could sleep better at night.
38. I am not an athlete.
39. I wear contact lenses even though my husband is a Lasik surgeon.
40. I feel 85% sure that I am done having children.
41. My feet are 2 sizes bigger than they used to be—1 size per pregnancy.
42. I always wear sunglasses outside, even when it’s cloudy.
43. I always wonder if my children will acquire southern accents.
44. I have chronic back pain.
45. I really don’t like classical music.
46. I’ve been out of rehab for 7 years.
47. Okay, that last comment was written just to surprise you.
48. I absolutely hate cooking. Hate it.
49. I love watching my kids dance.
50. I am a lucky woman.
Being Accountable
August 18, 2008 at 10:06 pm | In It's all about me | 1 CommentAs I’ve said in the past, I’m much more likely to stick to my resolutions when I’ve made them public. I’ve got 2 resolutions to make today.
1. Stop eating so much junk food, since my pants are getting tight, despite my running.
2. Must work on dissertation revisions at least 3 days this week.
I must more clearly define the first goal, but for now, I’m just laying it out there for me to see and mull over.
Mulling, mulling, mulling . . .
P.S. Running is going well.
I’ve Decided to Become a Runner . . . Maybe
August 8, 2008 at 10:07 am | In It's all about me | 7 CommentsI’ve decided to become a runner. Well, I have high hopes of becoming a runner, so I’ve decided to take ownership over this goal and blog about it. I’ve come to realize that I’m less of a slacker when I hold myself accountable for my decisions by making them public (as demonstrated by my nearly completed dissertation). My friend Kelly J. is going to become a runner too, and we’re going to try to recruit our other friend, Kelly R. Kelly R. hasn’t been informed of this decision yet, but I think she’s going to be thrilled.
I have two sister-in-laws, Cheryl and Summer, who are runners. Both have run marathons. Whoa, let’s not get carried away, I’m not going to be running a marathon any time soon (or ever), but Kelly J. insists that we should at least sign up for a 5K. Must do research about how far that actually is.
So far, Kelly J. and I have gone running twice. Once on Monday night and once on Wednesday night. We did pretty well, I thought. Some gasping and moaning and sweating, but I’m sure we ran at least 20 miles (okay, maybe 2). Kelly went out of town this weekend, but we’ve both committed to running at least one time this weekend. And it’s very, very hot out, so I have to be extra motivated. We always conclude our running sessions by sitting on the lawn and doing a series of sit-ups, planks, and weird 80s-style leg lifts that make me feel like I should be wearing extra-tight shorts, legwarmers, and a sweat band. It’s kind of fun.
I really think that Savannah is a runner-wannabe. She loves going running with Aunt Cheryl. It’s really unfortunate that Savannah is such a klutz, because in general, running is a little treacherous for her. I have grand visions of Savannah and me (in the future, when she masters gross motor skills like walking and going up and down stairs without falling) running down the road, our physiques slim and healthy (and I look so youthful and slender that from a distance, one is not sure who is the elder), chatting and laughing. In fact, it will forge a relationship so strong that she’ll forgo the “I hate my mother” portion of her teenage years.
Errrr . . . maybe I should stop fantasizing and go put on my sneakers. And set down this brownie.
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