The Daily Nusz

Today I had an experience that I have never had before. 

It happened completely accidentally.

It could lead to very, very bad things.

But at the same time, it was a little gift.

Mothers who read this will think I’m weird for thinking it’s such a big deal.

Here goes . . .

Declan took a nap with me today.  In our bed.  With me.

Now, I’ll start by saying that neither one of my two children have ever slept in our bed.  Prior to having kids, we decided that we would not be those parents who let their kid sleep in their bed “just this once” and then shhooooopppp, fast-forward four years and the kid has her own pillow, knows how to turn off Dad’s alarm clock, and reminds Mom when its time to change the sheets. 

Then Savannah came home from the hospital.  All five pounds, eight ounces of her.  That first night, I didn’t want to set her down.  So I just put her in bed with us, directing a wordless, “I just gave birth to your daughter so don’t even think of objecting to anything I want” glare at Kevin when he started to open his mouth.   I thought, “just this once”.  I thought I’d drift off to sleep, my hand lightly resting on her still, swaddled form, and stir only when she gave a little cry signaling that she was hungry.

Um, no.  Instead, her tiny breaths kept me completely awake.  Her baby noises sounded like fire alarms.  My body was held rigidly, for fear that I would roll over on her.  I kept hissing at Kevin to stop moving/be quiet/turn off the light.  I was so fatigued from labor and delivery–so emotionally wrought from the surge of hormones, yet I couldn’t relax enough to go to sleep.  It was awful.  Labor and it’s accompanying epidural was more relaxing, frankly.

The next night Savannah was moved into her own bedroom, where she has remained ever since.  When Dec was born, it didn’t even cross our minds to let him sleep in the bed with us.

Today, Dec was put down for his nap at about 1:30 pm.  Kevin left to go study for his board exams.  I got into my bed to read.  After a mere 40 minutes, Dec started crying.  I ignored him for a bit, but his cries only got more shrill, so I went into his room, picked him up, and rocked him in the rocking chair for a few minutes.  He seemed to immediately fall back asleep.  I layed him back down in his crib.  Screaming ensued.  After 10 minutes or so, I entered his room, picked him up, and carried him to my bed.  I was primarily doing it so he wouldn’t disturb Savannah, who was also napping.  I thought he’d just play for a bit with me or possibly jump on the bed.  Nope.  He layed down, pulled his blankie close, and looked around contentedly.  As I held him, our faces nearly touching, I closed my eyes.  A couple of minutes went by and I peeked at him.  His eyes were open, but his body remained motionless.  A few more minutes went by.  I could feel myself starting to doze.  I peeked at him again.  His eyes were closed!  So weird.  So I closed my eyes again and dropped off to sleep for several minutes.  I woke up when I heard Savannah’s bedroom door open.  I thought, “She’s going to see that Dec’s bedroom door is open and wonder where he is”.  I heard her use the bathroom.  I could hear her in the hallway.  I thought, “She’s going to come in here and say something and wake Decky up.”  Just then, Kevin came home (Kevin told me later that Savannah immediately came to him and said, “Declan’s not in his crib and Momma’s sleeping!  I can’t find him!”  Poor Savannah.)

Kevin came up the stairs, peeked in on us, and took Savannah back downstairs.  

Child #1 dispatched, I had the luxury to watch Declan as he slept.  He was laying on his side, with his blankie pressed up to his chest and neck, and my mind was transported back to his infancy.  Then, I would swaddle him and rock him as he slept.  Laying in the bed today, holding the same blanket that I used to swaddle him, I felt as though he looked exactly the same as he did nearly two years ago.  I gazed at him as he traveled through each stage of sleep, and marveled at how his eyes opened and closed during his deepest stage of sleep.  I could see beads of sweat on his temple.  Occasionally he sighed, and a little puff of his breath would touch my face.    It dawned on me that watching him sleep, especially from about 5 inches away, was an intimate experience that I had missed out on with both of my children.   Watching an infant sleep while you’re trying to nurse or while your pushing the stroller or while you’re driving the car or while you’re eating in a restaurant is not the same as watching a your toddler sleep in the comfort of your bed, while you’re well rested and relaxed. 

After I got my fill of watching him sleep, I closed my eyes again in preparation for a glorious nap with my son.  After several minutes, I realized that his breathing was rather raspy.  And his nose whistled.  And his body heat was making me sweaty.  And his blankie smelled vaguely of toddler drool.   And he was hogging the bed.  And my arm was asleep.  And I needed to pee.

Sleeping with a toddler sucked.

After a while, I started to get antsy.  I hadn’t moved in nearly an hour.  I could see my novel laying a few feet away on the bed.  On the other side of Dec.  I slowly started to ease my arm out from under him.  He stirred and I froze.  I tried again.  Success.  I debated leaving the bed, but wondered if he would fall out of bed if I left him alone.  Our bed is very high. What if he hit the nightstand on his way down?  I listened for Kevin and Savannah. It sounded like they were having a great time downstairs. I envied them.  I was hot and sweaty up here, trapped in the bed with a loud breather and a bed hogger.  And what if Dec woke up and thought, “Oh my goodness, that was the best nap ever.  I want to sleep with Mommy every single day and night”?  I wondered if I’d have to go back to work full-time to break him of this new habit.  I mean, the kid is super clingy as it is.  What if I just caused him to need an additional five years of therapy?  This was a terrible idea.  What possessed me to bring him into bed with me?  Why, why, why?

What happened to my tender feeling of 15 minutes ago?  When I was basking in the closeness between us?  Oh, right.  My tender feelings were sweaty and cramped.  They were being masked by the grunts and lip-smacking from the 27 pound kid laying practically on top of me.

Thankfully, when he awoke a few minutes later, he didn’t seem to linger on the fact that he was in the bed with mommy.  He just sat up, looked around, and grinned at his sister as she entered the room.  She reminded him it was time for snack.  “Nack!”, he agreed, and took his little independent self off downstairs, without even looking back at me.  

His blanket was left forgotten on the bed.

I sniffed it.  Yup, it still smelled like Decky drool.